Saturday, September 11, 2010

Life won't wait to pass me by

The outright pathetic fact that I'm writing this on a Saturday night after turning 21 just days prior should essentially summarize how I'm feeling. This hopefully won't become a trend here, but with nothing else is on my mind and I still feel as though I have something to say. And without anything else to do right now, other than sip my amaretto, I guess writing just seems like the natural thing to do.

Any lonely Saturday night feels a bit troubling, but the facts of why tonight - as well as last night - went without company is what makes it all the worse. I had friends, even if we weren't the most exciting bunch, but as time passed and everyone went in different ways I just never found new things to do. I never found a way to replace the time spent with people I don't have anymore.

And all of that would be one thing, but the expectations I've put on myself make me feel like a joke. I've realized that my life was passing me by faster than I would have liked and prepared myself mentally to change that. I tried to grasp life and take control - find stability where I needed it and create chaos where I wanted it. I even got it tattooed across my arm so that I could never forget how to live. I told myself that life won't wait... and then, 2 weeks into school, I have nothing to do on a Saturday night after turning 21 just days prior. No one to go out to the bar with. No one to party it up. Not even anyone who wants to sip on a whiskey and watch class hockey on the NHL network.

What's the problem? Me. And the solution lies there, too. It just seems like a distant goal to actually make friends when before I always just sort of found them. At age 21, how easy is it to change your ways and change your habits? How hard is it to make yourself outgoing despite rarely finding people you give a shit about? Now if I can answer those, I'll either have succeeded in curing this endless boredom or jumped off a bridge realizing I'm never going to change. Either way, life can't wait any longer.